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afterlife, angel, angels, blessing, blessings, boy, child, comfort, confirmation, daughter, dead, death, death certificate, desperate, dying, elisabeth kubler-ross, faith, god, heaven, honor, humble, incarnation, insight, lesson, lessons, love, memories, memory, mystery, old soul, on children and death, on death and dying, pain, pure souls, reincarnation, sign, smile, son, spirit, spiritual, suffering, sylvia browne, teach, teaching, terminal, the other side, theologic, writing
Wikipedia: Death is the cessation or permanent termination of all biological functions that sustain a living organism. Phenomena which commonly bring about death include old age, predation, malnutrition, disease, suicide, murder and accidents or trauma resulting in terminal injury. All known organisms inevitably experience death.[1]
i have found it so difficult to write. between visiting my therapist, looking for a place to live, talking with friends and family, i find that i’m exhausted. a couple of days ago, we got his death certificate. i was not ready for that punch to the gut. cried for two hours just upon seeing it. the finality of it – its official title “CERTIFICATE OF DEATH” with my son’s name below it was so difficult to see. We are a society of official papers (license and registration, birth certificate, social security card) and this just sort of sealed it in reality.
there are three little books given to each of us by a kind soul, where Zoe, Jason and I can record our memories of Noah. such a great idea, lest we forget all the wonderful things he said, did and was a part of. i have been busy keeping up with that: how he loved car washes, thumbkin kisses and popping each others bubbles. it makes me smile to remember the things that made him smile.
i’m also reading a couple of books, with a couple more on stand-by. Lisa, a good friend and kindred spirit, gave me a Sylvia Browne book called The Other Side and Back, which she handed to me after Noah’s funeral. She said not to judge a book by its cover and that it helped her through some of her losses. It confirms a lot of what I already felt the afterlife / heaven to be. it provides an insight and comfort more specific to someone like me who seems to be constantly questioning faith and our human ability to comprehend a theology that is itself beyond human understanding.
the other book i am reading is by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who wrote the famous book titled On Death and Dying. i began reading it after my mother passed away on December 28, but set it aside in favor of this specific one, called On Children and Death. parts of it are more geared towards terminally ill children, but the sections on sudden death are good.
i scour my way through both books in search of whatever comfort I can possibly find. i am about halfway through both books and though it may seem odd, they are really good companion books. a lot of what is in Sylvia’s book is echoed in Elisabeth’s book: Children are pure souls. Jason and I have always thought that Noah was especially so. He was content to hang back in situations where there was some sort of draw or excitement. Even at his own birthday parties, we would often find him in his room happily playing by himself. In preschool, his classmates would play with the new toys and favorite games but Noah always loved that same familiar laptop computer toy. even as a baby, when we tried to teach him words for things, he would be teaching US HIS words. We always smile when we think of how I tried to teach him the word for music and he taught us his word: “geeker.” 🙂 I would say, “no, Noah, the word is MUSIC. Can you say MUSIC? M-M-M-MUSIC.” and he would answer, “M-M-M-GEEKER!”
Noah respected the lessons he learned at school and from those around him. and he was smart. but he had a wisdom that no one could quite place a finger on. Jason and I have often said that both of our children are old souls. Noah always knew when he was being asked a trick question. i remember laughing about that with his kindergarten teacher at our last parent-teacher conference. it felt like he was here with us, learning and interested, but that he had bigger plans as well.
so maybe this was Noah’s last incarnation. maybe there was a final task or lesson that he needed and that’s why he was here so briefly. or maybe there was a task or lesson for US that was vital to OUR spiritual evolution. maybe he was really an angel or a guide whose disguise was wearing thin and that’s why he had to go so soon. it’s a soothing thought and regardless of the mystery behind his brief time here, i feel blessed, honored and humbled to have had him come through me into existence.
it still hurts that he’s gone. i still struggle with the events of that horrible day. the what-if’s, if-only’s and why-didn’t-i’s haunt me constantly. i miss his voice, his giggle, his eyes, his hands, his singing, his nagging, his personality and everything else that told my brain that he was here. so i’m reaching desperately for some sort of sign or confirmation that he is indeed still with me. and even more desperately trying to make that be enough.
Hang in there Sara. Love and Light xoxox Steph
thanks, Steph. we are trying…
🙂
You don’t know me but I’ve been following your story. Tonight I’m sitting in a lawn chair watching my 5 year old son while he participates in his 4th day of swimming lessons. It’s 100 degrees outside in our part of the country. I was really feeling sorry for myself sitting in this sweltering heat, until I read your most recent post. My heart breaks for you and your family. I cannot imagine what you’re going through. It brings tears to my eyes to read your heartache. To know you’ll never see him again, never. I will say a special prayer for you tonight. I will ask for peace for you and your family.
thank you, Nicole. Peace is what we need, but it’s hard to strive for that without Noah. Savor every moment with your little one(s)!
I hope you don’t mind that I comment on these posts. Not only do I make a point to read them because I think about you every day and care about you, but listening to you has also brought up a lot of my suppressed emotions. Although I cannot fathom the pain of losing a child, I do know the pain of seeing a soul come into the world, experiencing life side by side with them, then suddenly seeing them leave this world much too soon. It’s so strange and agonizing that eventually I buried those memories and feelings at some point in order to carry on with my life. I hope you don’t mind that I’m writing you back. I’m so busy finishing this show right now, I want to come visit you and life seems to be going to fast.
I remember now, my mother and I read a lot of books too and we were seeking answers. I remember we were desperately waiting for a sign. That Sylvia book was the one that touched me the most because it was a completely different view of life and death than I was ever aware of. (But that cover is awful) Anyway, that’s why I thought it very important that I pass it on to you.
It was six months after Justins passing that he finally got through to me. Skeptics would say (and I used to be one) that it was just my imagination. Nope. This was beyond anything that I could have imagined or schemed. I think it took six months for a few reasons. One is the “cocooning” thing Sylvia talks about, when a soul crosses over quick and unexpected, they’re kind of in shock so they chill out for a little while. I was also so disturbed emotionally, that I wasn’t peaceful enough yet to receive anything.
Anyway, six months went by and we had to go to the state penitentiary in Moberly, Missouri (aka the edge of hell) to face a parole board that was handling the case of the dude who killed my brother. It was a dark day to rehash occurrences and look at this guy and his family who I wanted to punch in the face. That night I decided to stay with my mom because she needed me. I was getting ready to go to bed and as I walked past Justin’s room, I felt a presence. The hairs stood up on the back of my neck and I stopped in the middle of a dark hallway and said, “If that’s you I really need you to tell me somehow that you’re OK, because it’s horrible down here, and I need to know that at least you’re someplace happy….BUT DON’T SCARE ME. If you make furniture move or something poltergeisty I’ll freak out.”
It was at that moment that I felt, with my whole mind and body, that my brother was smiling. He thought that was so funny that I wanted a sign, but I warned him not to scare me. I’m a huge chicken, and he knows that.
Anyway, he sent me the most awesome sign that night. I woke up to it in the morning, I have physical proof, my mom was a witness. I can’t talk about it here, but I’ll be happy to share it with you sometime. It was so amazing because it came out at me like one of those 3D eye pictures that you have to stare at for a while then it pops out at you? Next to seeing my daughter for the first time, it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced. It changed me from a person who firmly believed that when we’re gone we turn to dust and that’s it, into a person who knows in the depth of her being that we are eternal.
It’s a universal law, energy cannot be created or destroyed it can only be changed from one form to another.
Ok, blah blah blah, I love you girl and I think there’s a very karmic reason why we met when we did and why I’ve loved you from the get go. I am chanting for you and your family’s peace and happiness every day.
Lisa, thank you so much for sharing. I love that you replied and that we are still in touch. We are way overdue for coffee or caramels or whatever excuse might put us face-to-face to really talk. I’m floating through the days with few appointments and plans scattered throughout and the days just seem to melt away around me. So whenever you’re free, you’ve got my number.
Our beliefs are very similar, i think. One of the last things I said to Noah, as they were wheeling him to the operating room for the organ donation was “Please come visit your Momma. I miss you already and I need to know you’re ok.” I’ve not had any definitive signs like you have, but I have experienced some things that definitely made me smile and think he was near. Maybe it’s my imagination, self-preservation of sanity or maybe he’s still near. My brain and my heart are too clouded with agony and sadness to know for sure.
Anyway, I love you too and appreciate your loving energy in every form. (Even books with silly covers!)
Sara
Prayers that Noah visits you soon and that his visit might bring you some comfort.I continue to think of your precious boy and treasure mine that much more–always sending love and prayers.