, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wikipedia:  Death is the cessation or permanent termination of all biological functions that sustain a living organismPhenomena which commonly bring about death include old age, predationmalnutritiondiseasesuicidemurder and accidents or trauma resulting in terminal injury. All known organisms inevitably experience death.[1]

i have found it so difficult to write. between visiting my therapist, looking for a place to live, talking with friends and family, i find that i’m exhausted. a couple of days ago, we got his death certificate. i was not ready for that punch to the gut. cried for two hours just upon seeing it. the finality of it – its official title “CERTIFICATE OF DEATH” with my son’s name below it was so difficult to see. We are a society of official papers (license and registration, birth certificate, social security card) and this just sort of sealed it in reality.

there are three little books given to each of us by a kind soul, where Zoe, Jason and I can record our memories of Noah. such a great idea, lest we forget all the wonderful things he said, did and was a part of. i have been busy keeping up with that: how he loved car washes, thumbkin kisses and popping each others bubbles. it makes me smile to remember the things that made him smile.

i’m also reading a couple of books, with a couple more on stand-by. Lisa, a good friend and kindred spirit, gave me a Sylvia Browne book called The Other Side and Back, which she handed to me after Noah’s funeral. She said not to judge a book by its cover and that it helped her through some of her losses. It confirms a lot of what I already felt the afterlife / heaven to be. it provides an insight and comfort more specific to someone like me who seems to be constantly questioning faith and our human ability to comprehend a theology that is itself beyond human understanding.

the other book i am reading is by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who wrote the famous book titled On Death and Dying.  i began reading it after my mother passed away on December 28, but set it aside in favor of this specific one, called On Children and Death. parts of it are more geared towards terminally ill children, but the sections on sudden death are good.

i scour my way through both books in search of whatever comfort I can possibly find. i am about halfway through both books and though it may seem odd, they are really good companion books. a lot of what is in Sylvia’s book is echoed in Elisabeth’s book: Children are pure souls. Jason and I have always thought that Noah was especially so. He was content to hang back in situations where there was some sort of draw or excitement. Even at his own birthday parties, we would often find him in his room happily playing by himself. In preschool, his classmates would play with the new toys and favorite games but Noah always loved that same familiar laptop computer toy. even as a baby, when we tried to teach him words for things, he would be teaching US HIS words. We always smile when we think of how I tried to teach him the word for music and he taught us his word: “geeker.” 🙂 I would say, “no, Noah, the word is MUSIC. Can you say MUSIC? M-M-M-MUSIC.” and he would answer, “M-M-M-GEEKER!”

Noah respected the lessons he learned at school and from those around him. and he was smart. but he had a wisdom that no one could quite place a finger on. Jason and I have often said that both of our children are old souls. Noah always knew when he was being asked a trick question. i remember laughing about that with his kindergarten teacher at our last parent-teacher conference. it felt like he was here with us, learning and interested, but that he had bigger plans as well.

so maybe this was Noah’s last incarnation. maybe there was a final task or lesson that he needed and that’s why he was here so briefly. or maybe there was a task or lesson for US that was vital to OUR spiritual evolution. maybe he was really an angel or a guide whose disguise was wearing thin and that’s why he had to go so soon. it’s a soothing thought and regardless of the mystery behind his brief time here, i feel blessed, honored and humbled to have had him come through me into existence.

it still hurts that he’s gone. i still struggle with the events of that horrible day. the what-if’s, if-only’s and why-didn’t-i’s haunt me constantly. i miss his voice, his giggle, his eyes, his hands, his singing, his nagging, his personality and everything else that told my brain that he was here. so i’m reaching desperately for some sort of sign or confirmation that he is indeed still with me. and even more desperately trying to make that be enough.