I dreamed of my Noah last night.
I was in a church holding his little body in my arms. God, this being of golden light, was there and I was completely calmed as of I were holding something completely meaningless now but it was somehow ok and I was soothed. God led me to a cave where he instructed me to lay his body on a large stone. The cave was either made of gold or bathed completely in gods golden light.
A few moments later, Noah’s body coughed and sputtered (like I keep thinking he should have done after being pulled from the pool) and he was alive again. I was so overcome with joy, I threw my arms around him and held him close as he smiled at me and said “hi mommy!”
The next thing I know, we are in someplace I know to be “home” though I don’t recognize it in hindsight. We are playing and laughing and it’s so beautiful to see him. He’s so happy and that makes me happy. At the same time I am aware of some pills that I am pretty sure that god said i had to give him. I knew the pills would kill him and he’d be taken from me again.
So I dutifully gave him a pill. Nothing happened immediately and after much thought, I took one too, fully aware and fine with what that meant. We played peacefully after that and all the time I knew we would both die at any moment. Or maybe the pill wouldn’t work for me since I wasn’t supposed to take it and then I would be without him again. Watching him die again.
I cannot express in words how lovely it was to see him alive again, playing outside with the dogs. I gave him a bath an we just played and laughed and I took in every expression, every smile, every giggle and it was medicine for my aching heart. But I knew it would be over soon.
I took another pill, hoping. The phone rang and it was the real world – some telemarketer or something – who I hung up on and went back to pushing Noah on a tricycle.
Then I woke up, feeling some leftover feelings of calm, knowing that he is happy, with me and in a beautiful place.