It’s been a while since my last update. I have been poring through books in search of comfort, collapsing in depression, chanting, praying, lighting candles, talking to Noah and myself, working through setting up this new house and trying to transition back to work somewhat.
I have been chanting with my friend, Lisa, and attended a district meeting of SGI. last Sunday to learn more about Nichiren Buddhism. It has been comforting to chant in my head all day and attempt the Japanese words in the Gongyo prayer. It’s helped to center me somewhat.
Most days, I wake up feeling ok. It helps to wake up with my cheerful daughter and help each other get ready for the day. Then, somewhere towards lunchtime I start to feel panicked and I miss him. I look around and don’t recognize my life without him in it. I again struggle to understand why this happened. I’m in a sort of dazed stupor most of the time. I talk out loud to him sometimes but mostly all I can say is that I love him and I miss him so much.
It has become quite difficult to leave the house for more than a few hours. Inevitably, I run into things that remind me of Noah: back to school lunchboxes and backpacks that I would have chosen for him. I wonder what size clothes I would be buying him – he was going through a growth spurt. It took me a shopping buddy, some Xanax and about 6 tries to make it all the way through the grocery store. The instinct to grab the GF waffles and GF soy ice cream is a tough one to fight. But there isn’t a little boy to buy that stuff for anymore.
Several times a day, I will “wake up” and look around and think “what the hell happened?” “How on earth did I get here??” I don’t recognize this life without him and it threatens to make me crazy, even almost two months after his accident. My goodness, has it been two months?? Almost.
Monday would have been his 7th birthday. Instead of his usual party with friends, he will be sworn in as an officer of the Shawnee Police Department, and he will be given the Medal of Valor. Afterwards, we are having a party to celebrate his birthday anyway. Never in a million years would I have ever imagined that my son might not make it to his seventh birthday. I don’t expect most people could ever imagine that. But it does happen. It happened to me. And it sucks.
So now I have to go to Zoe’s school to meet her teachers. I hope I don’t cry. But I probably will. Whatever. It happens all the time now – i’m starting to get used to it.
Thanks for continuing to read and comment, everyone. I know I’m a downer. I just sometimes don’t know how to cope other than writing.