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so how about something positive for a change? are we ready for that? a break from the pain and sorrow for a moment maybe? because i sure do need it.

This blog has just gotten to be too much of a downer. I never write when I’m feeling strong and I did not intend for this to be only an outlet for my depression. So, to keep a balance, I’d like to share some positive reflections for once. Try not to fall over.

I have been blessed lately with dreams of Noah almost every night. We laugh, play, go on adventures and I drink him in completely. I love to see his little smile. I think that’s why I’ve been waking up in a good mood. It usually wears off by the afternoon, but I love feeling strong in the mornings.

Last night I dreamed that Noah’s death was all a big mistake and he came back to us. I, of course, was overjoyed and couldn’t stop hugging him, kissing him, holding his hands…and true to Noah, he seemed to endure it. (Gosh mom, can I go play now??) I was so glad to have him back. We played cars, he beat Zoe and I at Sorry, we read books and cuddled with his Suzy Bunny (his lovie). Then I was helping him tie his shoes when I remembered that there was so much that went on while he was gone – things that I thought he would love. So I tried to remember all that stuff but all I could really think of was that Disney World had added this new attraction based on the Cars movie. I was so excited; I knew he would love it and I said so. Hah…and Noah being Noah, calmly asked “why?” I said, “Noah, they have built a whole town! They’ve built Radiator Springs!” He just replied with “Oh.” (those who have met or spent any time with Noah will be nodding right about now)

That was my boy. Calm, rational. Wanting all the details before he gets too excited or emotionally invested. The most excited I have ever seen him was last Christmas when he got the race track he so badly wanted Santa to bring for him. Here’s a pic. His face is priceless:

Christmas, 2011

The happiest I have ever seen Noah, in spite of his badly chapped lips!

So I’ll sign off with a few other things that are giving me strength, comfort and happiness right now. Perhaps listing them will remind me that I have some things to be grateful for as well.

  • I am developing a strong, deep and amazing relationship with my daughter. I could not be more THRILLED about this.
  • I have amazing, loving, strong, patient and supportive friends, coworkers and family. Zoe, Dad, Ben, Chris, Isabella, Sinnamon, Lisa, Tiffany, Michelle: you all are my rocks! And I ❤ Rocks!
  • I am learning and practicing Nichiren Buddhism, which is giving me a calm, peaceful space to center myself and to learn and grow.
  • I have been painting, sewing and being creative when I can, which makes me happy.

Thanks for hanging in there with me – sending love to all of you!