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the holiday season is coming up and with Halloween 2 days away, I just seem to be getting worse and worse at keeping sadness from swallowing me. I usually get hit with the pain more in the afternoons, and today was especially rough. I had to pour it all out:

no one deserves to die
especially an innocent 6-year-old child
my baby
my little one
with the tender heart
and fresh green eyes
for me
the longing never stops
the pain never eases
im getting used to living this anguish
I feel all my muscles tense when I remember
cramping muscles in my face
the grimace of grief
I hold tight to all that remains of him
a small box, so very lightweight
and I can’t stop holding it as if all life depended on it
saying
I just want him back
I just miss him so much
I need my baby
how am I supposed to live without him?
with this pain?
my eyes miss his mass, his being
my head throbs at the silence left behind
my arms…so sore from no longer holding, hugging
my sweet little man
all the books say the same things
they bring disappointment instead of comfort
and I just want to be with him
to hold him
to listen to him giggle
to buy him cars and shoes and crayons
to meet his teachers and watch him grow and learn
instead
a hole. a gaping hole.
 

So. with that said, this is the first year I have not carved a pumpkin. Have not decorated in any way. I have no idea what Thanksgiving is going to look like this year. Probably blurry; through lots of tears. For Christmas this year, I am seriously considering just going with a festivus pole.

I will close with a photo of the kids with my mother from last year’s Halloween.

Noah, Mom and Zoe, Halloween 2011

 Noah, Mom and Zoe – Halloween 2011

And maybe one more from Halloween 2010:

Zoe, Mom, Dad and Noah, Halloween 2010
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