beautiful son, boy, broken, child, comfort, crazy person, crocodile tears, cry, dead, death, dying, family, grief, little boy, loss, love, memories, memory, Noah, pain, sad, son, son noah, suffering, tragedy
the holiday season is coming up and with Halloween 2 days away, I just seem to be getting worse and worse at keeping sadness from swallowing me. I usually get hit with the pain more in the afternoons, and today was especially rough. I had to pour it all out:no one deserves to die especially an innocent 6-year-old child my baby my little one with the tender heart and fresh green eyes for me the longing never stops the pain never eases im getting used to living this anguish I feel all my muscles tense when I remember cramping muscles in my face the grimace of grief I hold tight to all that remains of him a small box, so very lightweight and I can’t stop holding it as if all life depended on it saying I just want him back I just miss him so much I need my baby how am I supposed to live without him? with this pain? my eyes miss his mass, his being my head throbs at the silence left behind my arms…so sore from no longer holding, hugging my sweet little man all the books say the same things they bring disappointment instead of comfort and I just want to be with him to hold him to listen to him giggle to buy him cars and shoes and crayons to meet his teachers and watch him grow and learn instead a hole. a gaping hole.
So. with that said, this is the first year I have not carved a pumpkin. Have not decorated in any way. I have no idea what Thanksgiving is going to look like this year. Probably blurry; through lots of tears. For Christmas this year, I am seriously considering just going with a festivus pole.
I will close with a photo of the kids with my mother from last year’s Halloween.
Noah, Mom and Zoe – Halloween 2011
And maybe one more from Halloween 2010: